Getting older has its benefits
I think getting older or geezerhood is vastly underrated. I hear so many people lamenting the fact that they are getting on in years, when if the truth be known, and it rarely is in a political year, they should be celebrating all the advantages of being a golden oldie.
And I’m not talking about getting a senior discount on purchases either. No, the real joy of getting older is that you can become crotchety, mean, complaining and display an attitude of sour grapes with few repercussions. Younger people accept the fact that it comes with the territory and are usually very forgiving. After all, just look at the tight-lipped smile on the photographs of the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court sitting for their class picture. Good luck arguing that case!
If I hear the comment, “It’s hell getting older,” one more time, I’m going to have to poke someone in the back with a very sharp umbrella. Don’t worry, most folks at this age have spines that are made totally out of titanium, or their bones are nonexistent anyway, having migrated into some liquid form and been deposited around their ankles.
Yes, you can get away with poking other people with all kinds of sticks and sharp instruments. People expect no less when you hit the twilight years. It’s the old, “Et tu, Brute,” rule. By gum, for those who don’t have any teeth left, which is the majority since gum disease is rampant in older people and oddly enough rhinoceroses, getting older can be a blast!
Just think about it. You can dress in the most bizarre outfits, even wearing your bra on the outside, and others will chalk it up to you getting on in years. They’ll say, “What do you expect with all those knee and hip replacements, not to mention hemorrhoids and underarm boils?” In fact, it’s known that people might just offer to buy you an ice cream cone, with sprinkles on it, if you are wearing two different-colored shoes. Not that this has happened to me, but being a prize-winning journalist, I hear things. OK, the prize winning might be a stretch, and my hearing has been reduced to an occasional vowel or two.
Even my adult children have caved and accepted the fact that I will make what they consider unreasonable demands, like watching the news 24/7. Now they easily give me the remote control device every time I visit. I can watch whatever program I want; I guess the thinking is I have about an hour or so to live, so they might as well let me enjoy myself. At least for the time it takes to make sure I haven’t changed anything in the will or trust. But you’ll have to be careful, because the one group you can’t fool are the granddogs. They know a scam when they see one and these mutts love to gossip. They don’t care if you are approaching the Guiness Book of World Records for the oldest living person or even if you are approaching 100, they are not giving up their spot on the couch for you. The granddogs aren’t even going to move over so you can sit down. The thing about dogs is, they believe in the philosophy, “First come, first served.”
And these dogs are like cement shoes once they have their place. You couldn’t push them aside with a blowtorch.
And I love the phrase, “No, you go ahead of me.” This is where it gets fun, always being at the head of a line. I’ll even borrow a walker if it will put me up front. You see, that’s another beauty of getting older - deceit, bribery, falsehoods and forgetfulness. They’re expected. Hey, maybe I should run for political office! I don’t see any icicles yet, so I guess nothing has frozen over. As the song says, “Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.”
