Mile-high stilettos are the latest fashion trend

Recently I took a trip to Miami on business. Miami is a great city, but its exact location is not known. Arriving there depends upon which airline bumps the most number of people, and you may actually have to go by way of Minnesota and by the time you land, it doesn’t really matter where you are as long as it is no longer in the air. I met a couple on the elevator who started out in L.A., like a week ago, and had just arrived, disoriented and repeating the word “Mama,” over and over again.

Miami is also known for its professional football team, the Miami Dolphins, and the world’s largest supply of Chocolate Kiss Unnatural Looking Hair Dye for men. Hey, I’m not saying you shouldn’t improve your looks, but when you are driving a big car that doesn’t go faster than someone walking with a cane, and the color of your hair is that of a roan stallion, you aren’t fooling anyone. Not that I would even consider dyeing my hair; it’s as natural as the color of Lucy Ricardo’s hairdo. Just kidding; what’s not to love about a place where mojitos reign?

Anyway, one of the things I like to do when I am at an airport is to people watch. It happens when you can’t tell the difference in the letter “o” or the number “0” on your ticket and you arrive five hours early.

I used to think that wearing pajamas on the plane was a bit bizarre for travel attire. But that was before I encountered the delays, which is always some reasonable explanation like an engine is missing, sending at least half the passengers to the rental car booth. I mean, you can’t get on the plane if the pilot has forgotten the keys, and then they have to change shifts because they have to be fresh to hit the automatic pilot button.

Now I know there is certain wisdom in wearing pajamas and slippers to the airport. The new trend in fashion, and I always like to keep my readers up to date on the latest fashions, not because I know anything, but it does make me appear tasteful. And if you are as superficial as … well let’s not go into that.

So the latest trend in fashion for women is to wear these spike-heeled, mile-high stiletto shoes. I’m not just talking about a 4-inch heel; I am talking about a shoe that by its very definition of height will give you a nosebleed. In fact, these shoes are so tall, most women can’t get through security because their feet are permanently molded into the shoe, which you couldn’t get off with a blowtorch.

I thought at first that the airport was the only place where the mile-high shoes were attached. But the lobby of the hotel where I was staying was filled with women strutting and shuffling on these stilts. Not just the lobby, but the pool, the beach, the elevators; everywhere in the building, you could feel the pain.

You see, when you get to be my age, you really have an understanding of the feet. They start to point outward; for this condition, I would recommend shoes made in a Third World country because you can’t tell the left from the right.

Then you start to grow things on your feet, huge knobs of hard skin; I guess you could kindly call them bunions, but then again, they have to be removed with a vat of stuff they use on cars to prevent paint erosion and rust build-up, or a set of pruning shears.

Once these women remove the stilettos, they will find their body has shrunk in height to about 2 feet tall; so much height is lost, the women could now fit into a hatbox. I have a feeling these shoes aren’t going to be around too long, though. Some of these shoes are going to be considered Class A weapons, and if Mayor Bloomberg gets wind of them, see ya later. Just saying.