Santa, please don’t give me this stuff

Dear Santa:

Another year’s gone by, and what a weird year, eh?

Once again, I appreciate that you’ve been really great at not giving me what I don’t want for Christmas.

I still need your help, because some golf gifts I would prefer to not find under my tree this year are still out there.

Perhaps at the top of my don’t-give-me list for 2020 is anything COVID-19-related, even if it also has something to do with golf.

My pandemic fatigue has reached near narcolepsy levels.

With that in mind, please don’t give me the golf face mask/neck gaiter, sold through Etsy.com at a surprising $34 each.

These tubular bits of cloth are admittedly handy, especially during a cold round of golf or while stopping at the grocery store on the way home. However, that doesn’t mean I want a “golf scene” displayed on my face or neck.

The pandemic also brought out the allegedly concerned scold in far too many people, it seems to me. Perhaps that is why I reacted so negatively to yet another pandemic warning, this time on a combination ball marker/divot repair tool I saw at Etsy.com.

The ball marker says, “Avoid A Virus Today, Stay 2 Club Lengths Away.”

Thanks for the tip, but it was unnecessary.

During nearly every minute of every round, golfers typically remain far more than two club lengths away from other players, if only to keep from being hit by a club. That fact has not gone unnoticed by the public health experts who recognized that golf presents far less virus risk than almost any other athletic activity.

Among other clothing options, I also don’t need these Talk Birdie to Me Golf Socks, sold at Zazzle.com for $12 a pair.

The ad copy says, “Your golf socks will be the talk of the day,” and I agree.

If you wanted to be the center of mockery by your playing partners, these socks could do it for you.

If you read the Cape Gazette regularly, as I’m sure you do, you probably saw the announcement about my new Kindle ebook, “Quarantinis: Easy and Fun Cocktails for When You’re Stuck at Home.” The book is selling nicely, but that does not mean I am interested in this personalized whiskey glass with golf ball, sold at Etsy.com for $38.69.

Seeing that golf ball embedded in the side of the glass is just a bit off-putting, if you’ll excuse the pun.

Similarly, I have my reasons for not wanting a personalized golf ball decanter/whiskey glass set, offered at Etsy.com for a startling $150 per set.

The website’s ad copy says this is a “must have” and also claims, “This beautifully crafted mouth-blown golf ball decanter will leave them saying ‘I've never seen anything like this.’"

There are very few “must haves” in my life. This is not one of them.

Furthermore, some things can be seen but perhaps should remain unseen, if you catch my drift.

There is one gift that I would like a certain golf buddy of mine to receive. For about a year now, he has found ways to use the phrase “That’s What She Said” during our rounds together, often while I am putting. For his sake, therefore, please make sure he receives this Michael Scott Golf Hat Clip with Enamel Magnetic Ball Marker, sold at Etsy for $12.99.

I can tell him it’s nothing much – and I know exactly what he’d say in response.

Lastly, I wanted to make sure you knew about the Potty Putter Toilet Golf Game that’s sold at eBay.com and other places.

I certainly didn’t need one, but some of my “friends” recently gave me one anyway. For their sake, I was just glad they found it at a thrift store and did not pay full retail.

Thanks again for the opportunity to tell you what I don’t want for Christmas. Have a great holiday, and please say hello to Mrs. Claus and the elves.

Yours truly,

Fritz