Daylight Saving Time brings an annual thrill

I am more than thrilled that Daylight Saving Time has arrived. It meant I could set my clock ahead an hour, which gave me more light to see what I already suspected, namely that I still can’t find out where I parked my car.

The last time I tried to search for my car in the dark, I wound up with a black cockroach the size of my SUV. Of course I had to beat it to death with my shoe, drawing a large crowd. Black cockroach, black SUV, you can see how one could make a mistake, especially with all the fatigue from watching presidential debates.

My brain is like the surface of the planet Mars. If you took an MRI now, it would show large craters amongst flat open spaces filled with Republican and Democratic signs.

It will be no surprise to find out that my appearance has changed over those long, dark winter days also. Some women will be distressed to discover that the scarf they’ve been wrapping around their neck before they head out into the cold, with the extra daylight, turns out to be a mustache they’ve been growing since November.

The last time I saw something like this was at my cousin Bonita’s wedding. It was a great topic of conversation on the groom’s side of the aisle.

My skin has changed too. It now is the consistency of an armadillo’s, which I know is not a fair characterization.

Armadillos actually have a smoother layer of skin, and it is not so mustard yellow in color. Mine is more like a wallet that’s been backed over with a car.

Darkness also depresses my mood. So it is no wonder that the cute co-worker has been giving me the cold shoulder when I’ve asked him out for a drink after work.

With extra daylight, it’s too late to realize I’ve been carrying on and blowing kisses to the coat rack.

Because I have such poor vision anyway, when it gets dark,  I go into what is called night blindness, with little peripheral vision. That means when I’m driving I have a lot of trouble knowing the difference from a buffalo on fire galloping down the highway and the red lights atop a police car flashing as it follows me to the police station.

Oh, I‘ve tried all kinds of eyewear. You know, different lenses, different frames and they seem fine in the eyeglass store. But the minute I get outside, I can’t see a thing. I usually have to wear my glasses on a slant on top of my nose so they’re tilted at the right angle to read the word cow in a foreign language. These glasses are progressive bifocals; the only thing progressive about them is they will tend to make me trip over smaller objects than my old pair of glasses.

Of course, it is not just a driving problem for many folks during the night hours when the sun sets so early for us.

It can be a social problem as well. I’ve been to social gatherings where people are sort of spaces of black protoplasm, much like the movie, “The Blob.” They move around and I just follow voices. I once had a discussion with what I discovered later was an air-conditioning unit over the pros and cons of the rain forest.

To me, Daylight Saving Time is like having cataract surgery. I no longer have to grope my way to my car after work. I no longer have to call 911 because the brake lights of the car in front of me resemble a red-haired person lying in the middle of the road. It’s going to mean freedom from talking to shrubbery and inanimate objects.

Of course, it also means being an hour late for everything and a full makeover. But I think it’s worth it and I say, let there be light, albeit dim.