Suddenly, the deer in your back yard are not so adorable

July 20, 2014

Right about now, you may be on the verge of singing the lyrics to “Born Free.” You probably remember the movie about a lion cub, Elsa, who was raised in captivity and eventually set free in the wild. At the very least, you may feel like a production assistant on the National Geographic Channel.

And that’s all because of the deer, who don’t believe in global warming, and have made an appearance and created a salad bar out of your prize-winning hostas in the back yard.

Those cute little angelic faces with the big saucer-like brown eyes have become Satan’s sister. They have mowed through plants and flowers like a seasoned hot dog-eating contest winner.

Sure, you expect that in places such as New Jersey, where there is a proliferation of deer, and you are not allowed to shoot them to thin out the population. I’ve often watched my granddogs bark and carry on when they spot the adorable creatures leaping through the woods that border their property.

Having seen multiple episodes of “Law and Order,” these mutts know their property rights; well, that and a few reruns of “Judge Judy,” where a lot of law students learn to pass their bar exams. No one is allowed on their land unless they ask permission, let alone have the audacity to act like they have full authority to say and do anything they want. No, wait, that’s a White House press conference. Sorry.

Anyway, these dogs pumped up on artificial testosterone, which they’ve ordered through Canadian retailers, naturally charge full speed ahead to where the deer are eating their Big Salad. The skid marks are from the back patio right down to a few feet in front of the deer.

Of course, all the noise alerts the deer and causes them to react. This can best be described as a casual look toward the charging dogs that simply says, “Seriously?”

Anyway, after much research, I decided to go with those plastic fake owls; unfortunately the research was on how to pick out a new cabin cruiser, which doesn’t have anything to do with gardening. I placed Mr. Owl strategically in the tall shrubbery. Now the only problem is all the laughter coming from the deer during the night; well, that and I believe they were taking a lot of selfies with the owls.

OK, so after consulting with a nursery in Jersey, I decided to take it to the next level, coyote urine. That’s right. According to the package, once the deer get a whiff of coyote urine, they believe that dangerous prey is lurking about and take off for places like Argentina. Well, a lot of them already had tickets to the World Cup, so it kind of worked out for them. But you get the idea.

Now, the coyote urine comes in a large bottle. It’s sort of like a kit. You then put it in three tiny bottles, which come with the kit, and hang them upside down on a branch or large leaf, wherever you think it will do the most good. There are holes in the little bottles so it will seep out over time. Or you can simply spritz it around like they do in those big department stores when you walk by the perfume counter.

Just a word of caution, though. Once you unscrew the large bottle of urine, you may lose consciousness for, oh, maybe about five minutes or so. Not to worry, though, losing consciousness, no matter what the cause, is covered by the new healthcare law. After you come to, then you can transfer the coyote urine to the little bottles.

Another note of caution - you may not have much of a social life for the next 30 days, which is the length of time the scent lasts. Since you don’t have any life or friends to speak of, it probably doesn’t matter anyway. Good luck with that.

  • Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.