Elections inevitable but they are bitter going down

April 21, 2011

Get ready for Scream 4, and we’re not just talking about the new movie either, although the similarities are startling.

Yes, the political arena has already begun, with declarations of serious presidential admonishments, such as, “Keep it up and we will just turn the car around now!” and undeclared primary candidates demanding to be considered not a candidate; mail solicitations for money because they are not really running for the presidency, but might possibly be running and photo opportunities of anything disastrous…. no wait a minute, that’s CNN’s Anderson Cooper in a black BanlonT-shirt. Now that I think about it, the movie might be less traumatic.

Every political race of a presidential magnitude seems to have those buzzwords that define what some pollster who has never won a contest for dogcatcher feels must be shoved down the public’s throat.

Last time around it was hope and change; we didn’t know it really meant there is little hope for anything but change in your wallet at the time.

In my political opinion, which has validity only because someone has to write this stupid, stupid column, this year’s buzz phrase will have the word “care” in it.

For instance, we have O’bama Care; Medicare and by the time this race is over it will be, “Does anyone care?”

But all these images and ideas are interconnected. And with an aging population, healthcare will be a major topic of contention for both parties. Obama Care basically means that everyone in the country will now be entitled to spare titanium body parts. I have so much metal in my body currently that I can’t even drive by an airport without a full-scale evacuation of every terminal including the international pickup and departure.

If I was on that Southwest Airline plane that had a hole ripped through the top of the roof, they could have just lifted me up to fill the opening in the fuselage and never even stopped for repairs, instead being able to travel on to their final destination and back for another load of passengers.

In fact, I believe the new seating arrangement should be those with metal replacements sit in the middle of the flight for future, and you hate to use this description when it comes to air travel, but it’s called unexpected repairs, while those without titanium sit in the rear to keep an eye on those little extras people misplace, like keys to start the plane, which are probably sitting on the hotel dresser.

Seriously, I know healthcare is no laughing matter.

In fact, I laughed so hard the other day, my garage door opened automatically, so it is something you can’t fool around with easily.

But you have to acknowledge it exists even for those in the best of shape. I used to have thighs that were well defined, you know they actually had curves, like an hourglass. Now they just resemble one of those plastic trays that is used as a transporter for deviled eggs at outdoor picnics, lots of indentations.

Remember when we used to all swoon over them at Tupperware parties, even though we only used them once a year? They were sort of like those glass punch bowls that sat on the dining room shelf. You had to have one to fit in.

But the real prize back then was the radish rosette, a Tupperware classic. It really brought out the competitiveness in the group. It always took place before the party.

You filled out little tests and the one with the most correct answers won the rosette. It was so cut throat that my sister-in-law never spoke to my cousin again, accusing her of cheating off her sheet.

And who could blame her. The radish rosette was a plastic circle that when indented in a radish produced a series of circles. Awesome!

In a way, it was a little like the political arena. You have to have an election, but somehow it always ends up a little bitter going down with lots of post-election heartburn. Bring on the deviled eggs.

  • Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.

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