The latest trend in weddings?  Not having one

May 22, 2012

There is a lot of different etiology for experiencing backaches this time of year: cleaning out the garage, bending over to put in those plantings and general aches and pains from political ads, just to name a few. But perhaps the biggest cause of backaches is lifting one of those bridal magazines.

Since it’s the wedding season, there is a flourish of bridal books, advice givers, proper etiquette and personal planners. When the clerk tells you to drive around and pick it up at the loading dock, it’s a pretty good sign you are going to spend the rest of the weekend flat on your back, stuffing Advil down your throat like a crazed drug addict.

This is ironic since the latest trend in weddings is not to have one. That’s right; it’s considered in poor taste, according to the taste makers, which would be anyone on the cover of People magazine for the last two weeks.

The traditional wedding has been replaced by an adoption of a child from a Third World country, especially in Africa. Not that there is anything wrong with this, but I think the line should form here.

These people don’t know what they are missing by excluding the one event in their lives where a large gathering of their relatives and friends come together, on opposite sides of the aisle of course, to witness a solemn commitment, whereby the bride's parents can still mutter the question, “What did we do to her to end up with a worthless deadbeat?” under their breath and the groom’s parents can only recoil in horror at the large white hair sticking out from the back of the bride’s neck. OK, so that was my own wedding, but it does happen.

Just kidding, of course, there will be so many cataracts present that it doesn’t really matter what you look like that day.

But it’s moments like these that are what the Kodak moment is all about. Actually, I think they went out of business too.

Now this wonderful rite will all be captured on camera phones by 5-year-olds and by video specialists who will show up on People’s Court two months later, when the films are nothing but a blur. The cost: priceless.

This is to say nothing about having a fun-filled reception after the wedding, where guests can mingle and get to know each other over food, drink and dancing. Not only will they gather among new relatives, but they also will be able to make new friends, such as the local sheriff and his deputies, once the first insult is hurled and the place turns into a food fight that would make any saloon in the wild, wild West proud.

Throw in a couple of bail bondsmen and a group of revelers that wandered in from the Aluminum Siding Convention next door at the Red Roof Inn, and you’ve got a free-for-all to rival any family reunion.

Being politically correct has taken all the fun out of life. If you don’t have a wedding, just think of the bride, who will forever regret not having a day when she can show her gratitude to her friends and family for all their support over the years. This is usually demonstrated by making her friends and the one cousin she has hated since kindergarten wear the worst bridesmaids' dresses ever to blind the rods and cones of the inner eye.

So offensive are these concoctions that wedding coordinators have taken to passing out 3-D glasses to soften the permanent damage to your brain and gag reflex. Now I would be remiss in not mentioning that there are those who are committed to the institution of marriage. In fact, so firm are they in their belief, that they marry over and over and over and over again.

But when all is said and done, that piece of paper does mean a lot to most people, who can never find it, but it is symbolic when you get to the age where you are not sure who that guy is across the table from you eating  your toast.

Let the wedding vows begin.

  • Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.