Summer Olympics provide entertainment options

August 12, 2012

We can’t let the season go by without sharing our observations on the summer Olympics. Most Americans were glued to their televisions this past and present week; OK, so maybe enmeshed and sunken into the fabric of their couches is more accurate. After about eight hours of being in a prone position and eating out of a bag or box, you are cautioned to get up slowly; it takes a few minutes for the blood supply to return to any pets you may have been sitting on. Ouch!

Still, as a country we were able to come away, after watching these magnificent athletes, with pride and with the classic conclusion that only such a stupendous event such as the Olympics could present, and that is the unmistakable understanding that the rest of us are so out of shape, it’s beyond pathetic! By the way, have you tried the new Lime Tostitos chips dipped in macaroni and cheese, it is … well, just saying.

Now many viewers tuned in to watch the swimming events. This is a sport where there are actually no steps that go down into the pool. I couldn’t figure out how they would start this race. Incredibly the swimmer must bend over and dive into the water. I can’t imagine it, which is one of the reasons training for any water competition would be out of the question. Well, I do have goggles and a bathing cap left over from the ‘60s.

If that wasn’t enough the athletes must then swim the length of the pool and back in a matter of minutes. In other words, there is no easing into the water slowly, oohing and aahing. It’s barbaric.

The performance of the athletes was mind-boggling, especially since most of us couldn’t wade across a plastic baby pool in the time it took to complete any of the swimming relays.

And the bathing suits would be another deterrent for me. Whenever I wear spandex, I have to, by law, carry a concealed deadly weapon permit. This is in case I miss one of the leg holes and become airborne - I could do some serious damage, not to mention community service. Once spandex is launched, it is capable of cutting a glass in half or lopping off stuff like someone’s head.

But let’s face it, the most-watched Olympic event was the women’s beach volleyball. Apparently, the airlines had a big-time foul-up and lost most of the team’s luggage. The women athletes were then forced to compete in tiny, tiny pieces of their underwear. From all I could tell, since my husband was blocking my view most of the time, the uniforms were along the lines of dental floss.

But the people rallied around them in the spirit of the competition as evidenced by the long lines of men begging for tickets to this event. What a show of support. The stands were so packed that it looked like a National Football League Super Bowl crowd. In fact, so considerate and unbiased were the ticket holders, at least those that survived the stampede once the gates were open, that the game and score went unnoticed by the majority of them.

According to the rules, you have to get the ball over the net by pushing it up in the air with your hands, but if one of the women has to bend over and dig into the sand, then she receives extra points. These are only crowd points and don’t really count toward the score, which no one seems to care about.

There is something known as a spike, where you slam the ball over the net and into the opponents’ face or stomach. Mercifully every male EMT in the county is there attending the game, just in case one of the team of two is injured. Just kidding.

But the Olympics are more than waiting until midnight when the networks decide to put on your favorite races. We can take away pride in our country and athletes. And we can watch our faces light up with excitement that we haven’t experienced since we found an open-all-night liquor store.

  • Nancy Katz has a degree in creative writing and is the author of the book, "Notes from the Beach." She has written the column Around Town for the Cape Gazette for twenty years. Her style is satirical and deals with all aspects of living in a resort area on Delmarva.