To have a merry Christmas, please avoid these golf gifts

Dear Santa: As you know, since 2001 I’ve been letting you know which Christmas golf gifts I would really not like to receive. Perhaps because I’ve been a very good boy since then, so far I’ve been lucky.

Unfortunately, some Christmas golf gifts out are out there this year that I would still like to make sure I don’t receive, so I’d appreciate your help once again.

For example, the folks at PersonalizationMall.com think that golfers like me would love to have the Personalized Top Ten Golfers Custom T-Shirt, for $19.95.

Made of “dense, tight, and smooth” cotton, these shirts list nine Hall of Fame Professionals on the front side, with the “special” golfer’s name slipped in there at No. 2, just behind Jack Nicklaus.

If any amateur golfer thinks they should be ranked with Nicklaus or Bobby Jones, there’s a No. 2 involved, but not what this shirt means.

I also know some very good lady golfers, but I don’t think any of them would be happy to receive the High Spirits Rhinestone Studded Baseball Cap, sold at ladygolf.com for $35. It’s not something I’d particularly want for my thinning scalp, either.

The website says the cap “features a coordinating crystal color” and a wide opening “for your pony tail to slip through.” On the other hand, they also warn, “One size fits most,” which makes me wonder about the return policy.

It also seems that every year someone decides that a gag golf ball is just the ticket to lighten up the mood out on the course.

This year’s entry is the Giggling Golf Ball, offered for $9.99 at Stupid.com. According to the website copy, a microchip inside the ball sets off a laugh track whenever the ball is moved, such as during a critical putt in a match.

Oh, the hilarity. Oh.

There’s also the dubious suggestion for improving one’s golf, exemplified this year by the Island Golf Pool Game, found at homewetbar.com for $59.95. The kit comes with a floating island golf green, allegedly suitable for a backyard pool, along with a chipping mat, a dozen practice balls, and a movable 18th hole flag.

Somehow I doubt playing this game will translate well out on your regular golf course, unless it is also mostly pond.

There are some sports fan-related golf gifts this year that might have been nice to receive a while ago – but this year, not so much.

For example, the gang at fanatics.com suggest you can “hit the links in Philadelphia style” with their Eagles Golf Gift Set, for $24.95. The set includes four team logo golf balls and a divot tool, which they say makes it “the perfect gift.”

Maybe that’s true for the first three holes. Then you start fumbling your shots, hurt yourself swinging, and lose the next eight holes, if this year’s Eagles season is any indication.

There’s a similar futility to the Boston Red Sox putting green and runner, for sale at MassBayTrading.com for $45.95. The website says it can be used as a runner when not practicing. I think it could also be a great place to stomp out any frustrations you might feel about a team that seems to find new and different ways to blow a season.

There’s always a pretty crass golf gift out there each year, and this season it’s the Butt Putt Farting Golf Game, at gadgetbargains.com, for $16.95.

The folks selling this have absolutely no shame about this product, claiming that this “is a great stress reliever for a golf enthusiast or anyone who enjoys a good fart.”

Do tell.

They also keep up the variety with “six different fart sounds” to go with the automatic ball return.

Somehow I don’t see this device lasting for more than a few minutes of use before someone takes, shall we say, “decisive action.”

Thanks again for all you do, Santa, and say hi to the elves for me.

Your friend, Fritz