Get ready to move the clock forward in March

Now we can see. Things are clear. This Sunday is the start of daylight-saving time. It begins on the second Sunday in March and lasts through the first Sunday in November.

Approaching this event is a little like stumbling out of the ocean, with your eyes and ears still blurred and waterlogged, then plopping down on a blanket right next to someone else’s spouse.

And not just anyone’s spouse, either. This woman is the size of an aircraft carrier, is covered with tattoos and her knuckles normally drag along the ground.

So it’s kind of a shock to clear your vision and assess what your chances are for reaching your next birthday. Not good, unless you have the legs of a roadrunner.

Most people love daylight-saving time because of the extra time during the day that it stays light. Well, that is, everyone except the people who live in Beverly Hills where the sun always shines, but the residents don’t go outside due to the extreme hazard of having their Botox fall down around their knees, thereby giving them the appearance of a human with normal DNA.

So we spring forward in March, which to some is unfortunate, since we are used to skulking around the office late in the afternoon in the semi-darkness of our cubicles, as if we have important work to complete, but now with the added sunlight the boss can see the cartoons you have been busy drawing and trying to color inside the lines. Not that I would ever try something like that, but I hear things.

There are many theories as to why we change the clocks, the prevailing one being that it was put into play during World War I to save on energy for war production. The other theory being that it helped the farmers during planting season. Of course, I think this all came about because a couple of government workers were fooling around and just for the heck of it decided to issue a directive turning the clocks forward and backward. Once they sobered up, it was a done deal.

To try to follow the maze of time changes, from Arizona, which doesn’t recognize daylight-saving time, to the European adaptation is like working a Rubik’s cube, which I could never understand either.

So most people just accept this as something to look forward to after a long winter, which when you think about it is pretty pathetic. Not that I have that attitude, but I hear things.

Because of the reality of the situation, you will have to ease into this change slowly. You know that shadow that’s been following behind you all winter. Well, actually it is your behind. All that darkness has hidden enough carbohydrates that you have taken in to feed a herd of elephants.

And that scarf around your neck will have to go also. As it turns out, what you’ve been sporting is a double chin, not a paisley slip knot, chic, stylish wrap-around bandana. Too bad, you had so many compliments.

You’ll also have to tone down that morning expression. As I said, with the new light things will seem clearer. So screaming at the sight of a stranger in your bathroom is not an option, especially when that stranger is actually your own face staring back at you. It sets off all kinds of 911 calls from the neighbors. The local police are overwhelmed and pretty soon even the nuclear power alarms go off. Perhaps a pair of sunglasses would help.

Attitude is everything when changes occur, and that includes time changes. Personally I would purchase the new Charlie Sheen cologne, “Winning,” which unfortunately is just for men.