Assisted Living: Who needs It?

March 21, 2011

Most men spend a lifetime in assisted living otherwise known as marriage. And like most men I'm all about learned helplessness so why should I learn how to make a blind pigeon if all I have to do is asked Susan "How about some blind pigeons for dinner? And no, I don't know where to buy a head of cabbage. Does it cost 40 cents or 40 dollars?  I have no idea."

My mother in law needs assisted living if anyone ever did the problem is that because she needs so much assistance she is disqualified from assisted living places who say things like "you mean she can't get up from an armless table chair without assistance?" and that begins a litany of all the places she can't get up from but at least she's not strong enough to open the refrigerator without assistance and couldn't find a Toll House cookie if it jumped up and bit her first.

An so this mentally alert last surviving great grand parent of my 8 grandchildren is given options like nursing home sit in a corner chair in your semi private room with a woman who has night terrors all day long or continue to rely on visiting nurses who are likely to find you where you were left the day before unless you toppled over on the couch like some feeble weeble.

Some of you readers have been there and god bless you for your efforts. Personally I want to be tagged and released into the Great Marsh then hunted by people who love me like an aging and arthritic wild boar with mange and hot spots finally pummeled into oblivion with cream doughnuts.

Yes I am serious and don't call me Shirley.