The Humming Bluebird of Happiness

It’s the most annoying time of year, when all my bird-loving buddies wax(wing) rhapsodic over the “hummingbirds” and “bluebirds” and other mythological creatures they enjoy, flocking to their backyard feeders and baths. I mean, come on, guys! I did not just fall off a turnip truck! There are no such birds! I should know, because I have done everything in my power to attract them. I have set up bright red feeders, because legend has it hummers favor bold color choices. Also for those elusive and picky little buzzers, I have whipped up batches of sticky-sweet nectar from sugar water, but they’ve just drawn bees and grown mold. So tell me—where ARE the hummingbirds? Oh right, they’re in YOUR yard. I rather doubt it! 

Then of course there is the so-called bluebird. These apparitions magically appear when you hang a certain type of feeder in a specific place (on a pole, facing east for the morning sun), and provide the chirpers with a diet of fresh (not dried) mealworms. Let me just say that I do not go to this trouble for my own home and family’s food. I have no clue which part of my dwelling gets the morning sun, even after 36 years of dwelling here. And if FRESH mealworms were not conveniently located, my kids were always happy to eat the dried ones!

I haven’t gone so far as to plant specific flowers for birdie-luring, because that would be excessive. Do I really want to encourage a passel of spoiled feathered brats? “Oh, you prefer sumac, tupelo and chokecherries, little friend? Planted at various spots around the yard, with open space between? Your wish is my command, Mr. Bluebird—oh wait, Ms. Hummingbird would like a word. You vastly prefer trumpet flowers, lupines and cuphea? But of course! Any other special requests? Transforming peonies? Hindu lotus flowers? Yggdrasil trees (said to connect the nine Norse worlds)? How about a Bodhi tree (Buddha’s favorite)? Oh, and don’t forget a birdbath large enough to accommodate five or six of you. With a gurgling fountain, s’il vous plait? Why the heck not? I have absolutely nothing better to do with my time and money than indulge a flaky and finicky crew of STUPID BIRDS!!!!”

I’m sorry, got a little emotional. It’s just my jealousy showing. Everyone else makes the slightest effort, and the exotic species beat a path to their gardens. Whereas I could create a fabulous BirdieWorld, and I still wouldn’t attract anything rarer than sparrows and the occasional robin. Because, like everything else in nature, the common denominator of failure…is me. Really. I pass by, and the sunflowers droop, the lilies wilt, the daffodils lose their daffiness. And the bluebirds and hummingbirds (if they exist at all!) fly far, far away. It’s the Curse of Elise, and I need to own it.

So I’ll have to content myself with looking at photos of beautiful birds, and listening to songs about them. That will at least be… cheeper.