DR. J: Thank you all for coming today. Let’s begin with Emmy.
EMMY: I just don’t feel as special as I used to. Back in the day with only three TV networks, there wasn’t that much going on. But now! 109 awards! What the heck?
OSCAR: Emmy, I hear you. Or at least I would if I had noticeable ears! Design flaw!
EMMY: There are also SO many of YOU given out, Oscar. It’s always been like that! Who can forget “Best Juvenile Award” (Shirley Temple, naturally), and “Best Title Writing” (for the silents). The Academy Award means nothing!
OSCAR: Was that an insult? I couldn’t hear!
TONY: May I chime in? Just because I only appeal to high-brow theatregoers, doesn’t mean I’m unimportant!
DR. J: Tony, what would you like to contribute?
TONY: I hate my designI Oscar and Emmy look like people! I look like a big coin with some squiggles on it!
DR. J: I believe they’re the masks of comedy and tragedy.
TONY: Could’ve fooled me!
DR. J: Let’s hear from our sports trophies. What do you say, Heisman?
HEISMAN: Yo.
DR. J: Nicely put. Stanley?
STANLEY: Tony, you think YOUR design is weird? I look like a demented wedding cake. Whose bright idea was it to put EVERY player’s name on me? I’m HUGE!
OSCAR: What am I missing?
EMMY: Nothing important, Oscar. Just some stupid sports talk.
HEISMAN: Whaddaya mean, stupid? I happen to be real smart!
STANLEY: Me too! And heavy! 35 pounds!
HEISMAN: I merely wish the stiff-armed pose of my figure had not come to represent keeping someone at a distance (“doing a Heisman”), not to mention the infamous Heisman Curse, which refers to the fact that winning college players tend to play on teams that lose their subsequent bowl games.
DR. J: Surprisingly eloquent, Heisman!
HEISMAN: Yeah, I surprised me, too.
(Trophies share a hearty laugh, all but OSCAR)
OSCAR: Darn my lack of perceptible ears!
DR. J: OK, let me sum this up. You each have a different gripe, and you feel powerless to change things. Emmy: Too many. Oscar: Hard of hearing. Tony: Ugly award. Stanley: Too big. Heisman: Negative connotations.
ALL but OSCAR: Exactly!
DR. J: Surely SOME trophy must be happy with their lot!
CLARET JUG: That would be me! I’m the oldest and most distinguished trophy, and there’s only one of me. The British Open golf winners get replicas, while I loll about in comfort and luxury at Saint Andrew's in Scotland.
EMMY: Well, la-di-la.
TONY: Snobby much?
HESIMAN: Yo.
STANLEY: Lucky duck! I wish everyone would leave ME alone!
DR. J: Uniting against a common enemy! What a wonderful solution to your depression! Thank you, Claret Jug, for being so incredibly obnoxious!
CLARET JUG: A pleasure!
DR. J: Thank you, everyone, for being here!
(The trophies leave, all but OSCAR).
Dr J: Oscar? We’re done!
(OSCAR doesn’t move.)
DR. J: OK, buddy. (Picks up OSCAR. Looks around) I’d like to thank the Academy… (exits)
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I am an author (of five books, numerous plays, poetry and freelance articles,) a retired director (of Spiritual Formation at a Lutheran church,) and a producer (of five kids).
I write about my hectic, funny, perfectly imperfect life.
Please visit my website: www.eliseseyfried.com or email me at eliseseyf@gmail.com.
