Talking about end-of-life wishes with your loved ones

Speaking with your loved ones about your end-of-life wishes takes some thought and consideration.

From their perspective, a conversation like this is about losing you, about recognizing that one day you will no longer be with them. But also realize that by having this discussion, you are doing what’s best for you and your loved ones.

You are not only ensuring your wishes will be carried out, but also removing a future burden from them. You will be giving them peace of mind by allowing them to take comfort in knowing they fulfilled your wishes.

Often, having a successful conversation about the end of life comes from helping your loved ones understand the “why” behind your wishes. Reaching this type of understanding requires openness and honesty.

Here are a few tips to help make the end-of-life conversation a bit easier.

Begin by really thinking about what you want. It may help to consider your values, beliefs and views about what matters in life. This will help you offer specifics to your loved ones and be able to answer their questions and concerns.

Consider things like: How physically independent do you want to be? What level of comfort do you think you may want? (Full comfort, which may mean no consciousness? Or would you sacrifice some comfort in favor of maintaining consciousness?) Would you want lots of attention from your loved ones, or to be given more space?

Choose the right moment. Pick a time when your loved one has time to talk, not when they are running late for work, getting the kids ready for school or burdened with a task. Often daily activities can provide a good opening to end-of-life conversations – like after church, on a weekend drive, or at a movie about a related subject.

Give them a reason for the conversation. Telling them why you have decided to talk about this now may help your loved ones understand where you’re coming from: “Do you remember what happened with Uncle Joe; I don’t want that for myself.” “Remember in the movie, the main character was left to make those decisions – I want to make them together so it is easier for you.”

Share your values. Your loved ones will have an easier time understanding your choices if you begin by sharing your personal thoughts, values and concerns. This allows them to understand that these are your personal choices and helps them recognize what’s behind your decisions. For instance, talk about what in life holds the most meaning for you, what you think makes life worth living, and how you feel about death.

Remember, it might take more than one conversation to express your wishes. Some family members may be very open to talking about your wishes and may even be waiting for you to initiate the conversation. Others may be more reluctant and less at ease talking to you about end-of-life care.