Dear Santa:
I appreciate all you did for well over 20 years to make sure I am rarely the recipient of some of the truly dodgy golf gifts out there.
However, more stuff I would never want keeps entering the Christmas golf gift marketplace. That is why I am writing you again this year, just to make sure.
There are a couple styles of golf gloves I would be happy to never see on my left hand, made by the folks at Bender Gloves and sold through Amazon.com for $22 apiece.
The ad copy said these are “unique and eye-catching,” but as you know, that’s not always a good thing.
The skeleton glove, with its bleached white bones on a black background, is just a too-close reminder of my advanced years.
On the other hand (as it were), the harlequin design can be an unfortunate and direct reminder of the clownish state of one’s current golf game.
No thanks.
Among other undesired clothing items, I have no interest in golf socks, such as this “May The Course Be With You” pair sold for $18 through moonlightmakers.com.
The sales pitch includes this startling claim: “Nothing says, ‘I’m super fun’ like a funny pair of socks!”
Nothing like that reaction would ever happen in real life.
I mean that sincerely.
Some golf gift ideas would be OK if the inventors used a variation on Coco Chanel’s famous advice – “Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.”
That’s what I thought about when I saw what came with the Chip & Sip golf mug, sold through groovygolfgifts.com for $19.99.
The mug itself is fine, as far as it goes. However, it also comes with a tiny putter pen and foam golf balls that can roll through the arch on the bottom of the mug.
The website suggests that the mug will “help him get through those long virtual meetings,” when he could also putt to “blow off steam or celebrate a victory.”
That suggestion reminded me of all the trouble some folks cause for themselves when their Zoom conference camera captures a larger image than they thought would happen.
Better to use the mug and lose those accessories, if you ask me.
I am only now becoming used to the idea of playing with golfers who must have their favorite tunes accompany them throughout a round. That said, I have no interest in the Barnacle Pro GOLF Bluetooth speakers, sold by Speaqua.com for $69.99.
The golf ball-shaped devices have a suction cup for attaching to a golf cart’s windshield, and apparently can store up to 2,000 songs.
For some of the very slow golfers out there, that should just about handle 18 holes, I suppose.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like keeping my sports enthusiasms separated from each other. That is why I have no interest in the PutterBall Golf Pong Game, sold through Amazon for a blistering $194.99.
The game comes with two putters, two balls, a green Putting Pong Golf Mat, hole covers and a carrying case.
Essentially, you are playing beer pong and golf together – and that’s the problem.
Years ago, my son-in-law Chris and I crushed a pair of recent college graduates in a regular beer pong game. The fact that we stayed sober and they did not may have helped, but I like to think it was our mad skillz.
If the four of us were on a putting green, the results would have been the same, but in my opinion beer pong and golf should not be blended.
The pandemic hurt golf initially, but then the sport managed to contribute toward a recovery from its impacts. Even so, I have no interest in GolfWang.com’s Face Masks, sold for $30 in sets of three.
The cotton screeners come in three solid pastel colors: blue, green, and pink (a fashion faux pas in and of itself) with the single word “GOLF” stretched across the mask fronts.
No. Just no.
The Animated Golfing Santa is a bit of retro-Christmas “stuff” that I don’t need – mostly because I already have one.
The same friends who gave me the Potty Putter Toilet Golf Game last year found this battery-operated Christmas decoration at one of the Cape Region’s fine thrift shops.
Sold by Gemmy Industries and first introduced in 1996, it features a Santa in a golfing outfit holding a putter and about to hit toward a “hole.” When the button is pressed, he swings the putter toward the ball as a variety of Christmas songs are played, such as “Twelve Days of Christmas” or “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear.”
Considering that Gemmy also created the infamous animated mounted big mouth bass singing “Mack The Knife,” you can readily appreciate how shlocky this one sounds.
Because nothing says “golf” like tinny electronic Christmas carols, amiright?
I have great friends.
Thanks again for the opportunity to tell you what I don’t want for Christmas. Have a great holiday, and say hello to Mrs. Claus and the elves for me.
Yours truly,
Fritz
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Fritz Schranck has been writing about the Cape Region's golf community since 1999. Snippets, stories and anecdotes from his columns are included in his new book, "Hole By Hole: Golf Stories from Delaware's Cape Region and Beyond," which is available at the Cape Gazette offices, Browseabout Books in Rehoboth Beach, Biblion Books in Lewes, and local golf courses. His columns and book reviews are available at HoleByHole.com.
Contact Fritz by emailing fschranck@holebyhole.com.
