Santa, please don't give me this stuff

Dear Santa, 

I appreciate your thoughtfulness in making sure I didn’t receive some Christmas golf presents I really didn’t want last year.

I have written you letters about this issue for 25 years, but I still face a risk of bad gifts. Some of the stuff out there, especially from our friends at Etsy, creates a heightened sense of dread and no sense of delight.

For example, take this giant LED-lighted golf wall hanging, offered for a bit under $100. It is fully customizable, from the name to be created in the black metal frame to the 24-key remote control for up to 16 color changes on the backlit display. The sign comes in several sizes, up to 39 inches. At that scale the only thing that would make it seem small is if it was mounted next to one of the 98-inch TVs I have seen at Walmart. However, I am not a fan of wretched excess in my wall displays, TV or otherwise. The ad copy says, “Elevate your space with the perfect blend of passion and art – a stunning tribute to the sport you love.” It is stunning, all right, but not for the reasons they suggest.

And speaking of wall hangings, I would appreciate no one sending me this print of Darth Vader golfing, sold at Etsy for about $30. Available framed or print-only for your own framing choices, it comes in four sizes ranging from 8-by-10 inches up to 24-by-36 inches. The ad copy says, “Join the dark side ... we're working on our swings.” For me, the only thing this print does is darken my mood about the current state of the art market. It is better than dogs playing poker, but not by much.

In other news from the world of dubious golf art, I have no need or desire for one of these carved golf club duck “sculptures” that Etsy offers for a startling $58.50 apiece. The creator recycles old wooden golf heads and joins them with a hand-carved and painted duck head. I like golf. I also like ducks. I just don’t see the need to combine those two interests in one object.

Recently in the Cape Region, we have had some back-and-forth about retail sales of marijuana, despite the continued but unenforced federal laws about the stuff. My objections other than medical are predominantly aesthetic. That is why I do not want my own Golf Herb Kit, a three-part weed delivery system selling for $39. A plastic-and-metal fake golf ball both stores and grinds the herb. I think the hollow golf tee is how you smoke it. Nonetheless, I prefer the smell of unburnt nature when I am out on the course, especially compared to weed smoke.

And when I’m home I would also prefer not lighting this soy wax Smells Like Candle from the Starry Nights Candle Company, which sells on Etsy for about $18. The company says it features “10 unique fragrance options” allegedly of “premium quality.” However, it also warns that “the scents we send may vary depending on our stock situation.” I like candlelight, but not the scented kind, and especially if I don’t know what scent is going to be sent, as it were.

As you may know, I stay hydrated while golfing, usually with water and sometimes energy drinks. I once played golf at The Rookery with three ladies who celebrated three birdies they made with shots of Fireball cinnamon-flavored whiskey. They called it Birdie Juice. I thought of them when I saw the ad for golf ball-shaped mini-flasks, sold at Etsy for about $10 per pair. The 1-ounce containers have an allegedly secure screw top with a design the marketers suggest can be placed in a ball holder and snuck past “any stingy course starters.” However, based on the bottles I saw those ladies pull from their golf bags, I think this is a problem that has already been solved.

And speaking of drinking, I have no interest in receiving the beer can ball markers which Esty sells for about $23 for a set of four. These can-shaped markers are legal for use under USGA Rule 14. They also come with a magnetic ball clip for your hat. The problem is these can markings are for Coors Light, Miller Lite, Corona Extra and Bud Light. I am not a fan of any of them, to be honest. On the other hand, if someone came up with similar beer can ball markers from Cape Region brewers such as Dewey Beer, Revelation, Dogfish Head or Big Oyster, that would be just fine.

Thanks again for the opportunity to tell you what I don’t want for Christmas. Have a great holiday and say hello to Mrs. Claus and the elves for me.

Yours truly,

Fritz

PS: Santa, in next week’s column I will discuss some holiday golf gift options to be found at Cape Region golf courses and other golf-related establishments that people will actually be happy to receive. You might want to check that out.