Just throw moon dust over the past like it never happened

GATORADE TIGER - Tiger Woods is alright - I don’t mind him, but I don’t find him particularly charismatic except when he went F Bomb psycho on some shutterbug in the crowd. The latest Gatorade commercial of Tiger hitting a golf ball on the moon is just wrong because back in 1971 astronaut Alan Shepard, Commander of Apollo 14 and America’s first man in space and the fifth person to walk on the moon, hit the first out of this world iron shot. While on the Moon, Shepard played golf with a Wilson six-iron head attached to a lunar sample scoop handle. He drove his second shot “miles and miles” and the engineers back in Houston were not amused.

So how can you do that commercial and not give credit to Shepard? That is modern American history; just throw moon dust over the past like it never happened.

50 CENT - In case anyone is paying attention, it’s 50 cents not “Fitty Cent,” but why miss an opportunity to celebrate bad grammar and slang when the high school dropout rate in some urban public schools is 75 percent.

And to counteract the Gatorade Tiger lunar promotion we now have “Fitty” conducting an orchestra and the message is that vitamin water can even hip-hop and ramp up old white people who play classical music.

CUBA GOODING - Here’s some irony. You watch basketball and you can’t get away from the Hanes commercial where actor Cuba Gooding Jr. tells Michael Jordan, “I’m wearing your underwear.” Cuba’s father is a former lead singer with a group The Main Ingredient and their first hit was “Everybody Plays the Fool Sometimes.”

Cuba Jr. won an Academy Award as Best Supporting Actor for playing an athlete in “show me the money” in the movie “Jerry Maguire,” but for a price he plays the underwear fool. Why do any of these men stoop so low? Men so rich their wealth can only be described by that great supply-side economist Don King who said, “If you know how much money you got you ain’t got no money.”

DRINK RESPONSIBLY - If you want to drink responsibly there is always water available. Most men from the sports side that I grew up around never set out to drink responsibly. These types of advertising gimmicks are part of revisionist realities like all the dumb Beer Heaven commercials featuring aspiring actors hoping to land a lucrative underwear spot opposite the Prince of Mid Air.

“Real Men Drink Irresponsibly” is the reality for behaviors surrounding the sports world. Somebody drinking a Lite beer while watching sports doesn’t need a message to be responsible; they need poser debriefing. This is a complicated social problem because of the devastation caused by drunks who have driven. Responsible drinking is fun, but there is no responsible drinking and driving. How hard is it to find a fun designated driver which leads into the Holiday Inn commercial where the driver scrapes scrambled eggs off his plate and says, ”I don’t need to eat to have a good time” and the young girl says, “No, but you’re a lot more fun when you do which is really an embedded alcohol joke.”

SNIPPETS - Josh Coveleski, former Caesar Rodney star, has appeared in all 11 games for the Duke University lacrosse team and has scored seven goals on the season.

Cape had wrestlers honored at the recent wrestling banquet. Kyle Kaminski was sekected third team All-State. Andrew Ricker and Tessa Brooks were named to the Academic All-State first team. Jeffery Rogan, Andrew Westgate, Hook
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Chris Young and Caitlin McVey were second team All Academic All-State. Ian Eckrote, Derek Gay, Chris McMahon and John Young were Honorable Mention All Academic. The Cape Takedown Club will be holding its fourth annual spring fundraiser 6:30-9 p.m. at J.D. Shuckers on Friday, April 11.  Tickets cost $20 each or two for $30.  There will be food, door prizes, a silent auction and a chance drawing. Chances are $5 each and the club is awarding more than two dozen prizes ranging from $25 to $100 gift certificates from local businesses.  The grand prize is four Phillies tickets with seats located in the Hall of Fame section and the package comes with reserved parking.   Coach Chris Mattioni at 249-6457 has more information on the fundraiser but how much do you really need?

Atlantic Lacrosse had games all over the place last Saturday at Hudson Fields versus the visiting Salisbury Lacrosse Club. There is no doubt that the popularity of the sport locally is having a significant impact on local Little Leagues. I was able to watch parts of six games in 30 minutes while barely moving my location.

Barack Obama rolled a 37 down the alley of Philadelphia Bowling Lanes which proves no one should look at a questionable activity and say, “How hard can it be?” Obama got in more trouble by not eating a piece of chocolate in a chocolate factory and refusing to eat a cheez-whizzed steak sandwich. Turns out being skinny guy takes round-the-clock discipline, so Hillary better not make any more bowling jokes unless she’s ready to roll with barrel top and polyester stretch pants.

Speaking of John McCain, is landing a phantom jet on the deck of a carrier at night in a storm-tossed sea an athletic maneuver? How about ejecting over North Vietnam? McCain wins the best athlete award in the field of candidates.

Perhaps Gerald Ford was the best real athlete ever to hold the position of president. Don’t start telling me about touch football played by the Harvard-educated Kennedy family on the front lawn. Jack played JV at Harvard, but his chronic bad back shortened his football career. He was a war hero once towing a raft of 11 men for four hours but who can’t do that?