I Never Told My Drinking Story — Until Now

I loved drinking. Like, I really really loved it. It was the reason to go out to dinner, call a friend, book a vacation, survive family holidays, deal with stress, or fall asleep. Why would I want to do any of that without wine? Everything revolved around drinks.

I was young, successful, and living by the work hard, play hard mantra and everyone around me was doing the same. Until they weren’t.

I’ve never really told my “drinking story.” I usually skip straight to the part where I say I stopped drinking, lost weight, and got healthier like it was just part of a glow-up. Not like I was a recovered alcoholic.

When I quit, most people were shocked. They thought I was being too hard on myself. “You’re fine!” they said. Even my boss rolled his eyes: “Oh please, you’re just being dramatic.”

But I was far from fine. My husband and close friends saw the cracks, even if I worked overtime to cover them. No matter what happened the night before, I was up early and fresh-faced, on time, dressed up, and ready to go.  I will save all the embarrassing, cringey, sad and traumatic stories for the book.  The most important part of the story is when I chose to stop. 

Destroying it ALL

Every Thanksgiving we went back to the east coast and rented a beach house in the Hamptons. Friends and family came and went all week.

Ted and I went to the city to meet all of our friends. I was so excited SO many people were coming out.

Before we left, Ted pleaded with me. “Please, pace yourself. Don’t get sloppy.” I rolled my eyes. “Why are you starting with me? You’re such a hypocrite.”

All I remember was getting to the hotel and that first hour of catching up with friends. 

The next morning, I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. My legs were covered in deep purple bruises. Ted was staring at me with disgust. Neither of us knew what happened. I was freaked out - what the fuck is wrong with me?

I couldn’t feel any lower. I didn’t want to be the drunk mom. I didn’t want Sofia to grow up embarrassed and carry the trauma of living with an alcoholic mother and all the baggage that goes along with that.

I had an amazing daughter, a great career, a beautiful home and I was destroying it all.

I was exhausted, fat and angry. I had to quit drinking BUT how the hell was I going to do that?

I called therapists, sobbing. No one would take me. They all recommended rehab.

Rehab wasn’t an option. “I run a daily TV show! I can’t just disappear for a month and go off to rehab - that's not even a choice.”

(I’ve since learned that everything is a choice.)

Then I found Alternatives Behavioral Health. Their approach was different:

“Rather than viewing sobriety as the only option, we empower clients to manage alcohol use responsibly.”

WOW! Perfect! Ninety days of abstinence and then your therapist takes you to a bar and teaches you to drink responsibly. Are you kidding? Amazing! I didn't even know this was an option! How have we not covered this on The Doctors? 

When I told Ted, he was surprisingly supportive. “If you can get to a place where we can go out and I can have a glass of wine with my wife, that’d be great,”

All Ted wanted was a normal wife. Someone he could go to dinner with and not worry about. So sad. 

This had to work. If it didn’t, I’d lose everything.

I started on January 2nd. 2017, I was on Christmas break.  I was in therapy bootcamp Ten hours a day for two weeks, individual and group sessions. They did brain scans, explained the science of alcoholism. I loved all the different types of therapy. I loved the process of getting to the root cause of my issues. I loved group therapy, that was new to me. I was engaged and I was doing great!

Then came January 21, 2017. It was Sofia’s fifth birthday party. After her party, we went out to dinner. I went to use the bathroom and on autopilot , I beelined to the bar, ordered a glass of wine, chugged it, asked the bartender for another one and downed that as well. The bar was hidden from the table - I was going to keep it my little secret. 

I went back to the table and Ted glared at me.

“What?”

He was shocked. “Did you just have wine?”

“No, you’re crazy.”

He sighed. “If you’re going to drink, at least don’t lie.”

I snapped. “Fine!”

Sofia was sitting there, innocent, with her green Monster High makeup smeared across her face. I ordered a bottle and I was off to the races. I woke up in a hotel room, alone, sick, with an empty bottle of wine next to me.

I’d never felt like a bigger piece of shit. What a fraud. I went to group therapy that night and confessed my slip up.

No judgment. Just encouragement. Everyone piled in with their own “I’m a piece of shit” stories. “You’re fine,” they said. “Just don’t quit trying to quit.”

Sober in the City

I was determined to do whatever it took to stay sober.

THE DAYS WERE LONG.

I didn't realize how much time all my shenanigans took up! I didn’t know what to do with myself so I’d come home from work, eat dinner and be in bed by 8:30.

I started watching shows for the first time in years because usually I’d be outside smoking and drinking.

I began to look better, feel better. I popped out of bed early, full of energy. I went to workout classes, and still had time to get ready for work.

I had a certain new confidence and I carried myself differently.

I felt clear-headed. Strong. Proud.

I was kicking ass at work – If you thought I was productive before, I was unstoppable now. I’d been doing all this work with one arm tied behind my back. Drinking made life so much more difficult.

At 90 days, my therapist asked if I was ready to reintroduce alcohol back into my life.

Without hesitation, I said, “No. I think I’m good.”

I haven’t had a drink since and that is my greatest accomplishment.

The first year was the hardest for me: the first restaurant, first wedding, first vacation, first Thanksgiving. I had to figure out what was going to work for me.

AA didn’t fit my schedule, though I respect it deeply and I know it has saved countless lives. BUT I was busy and couldn’t wrap my head around having to go everyday. Plus, the notion that “You are powerless” over alcohol never resonated with me. I’m not powerless, I’m powerful. I choose not to  drink. I didn’t want recovery to define me.

What worked for me was a sub-reddit, STOP DRINKING. I randomly stumbled upon it and it quickly became my lifeline. It’s a support group in your pocket, whenever I needed support they were there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

I made my username, Soberinthecity.  In the early days I was on this sub-reddit all day. People from every background, same struggles. It made me realize that I’m not unique in my addiction.

The subreddit tracks your sober days. If you relapse, you reset your flair. It’s heavily moderated and incredibly supportive. I checked in constantly, during all my first sober “firsts”

The day counting flair was very motivating to me and I didn’t want to ever reset my flair to 0 days. I loved watching my sober days rack up. Whatever works, right?

They have a saying: IWDWYT: I won’t drink with you today.
Maybe tomorrow, but not today.

I think the notion of “never drinking again” in early sobriety is very overwhelming. People are trying to get through the next minute, hour, day - forever is a long time. I'm just not going to drink today.

And now? I don’t crave or miss drinking. I find drunk people incredibly annoying. I wake up ready to go instead of exhausted, filled with dread and regret.

Sobriety is my superpower. Life has thrown me some really terrible situations over the past few years,  but I never relapsed. Between the show being cancelled, being diagnosed with cancer and facing a shocking betrayal.  (I’ll save that story for my book.) My therapist was even shocked I never went for a drink, “You really are strong in your sobriety.”  

I told him “Someone might be trying to destroy my life, but I’m sure as hell not going to help them.”  Drinking hurt me worse than any of this. 

Nobody ever wakes up and says, “Thank God, I got drunk last night!”

Life is easier. Life is better. Sober.

Grateful my husband never gave up on me.

Grateful Sofia only knows me as her super healthy mom.

Grateful for 9 years sober.