My Father’s “Death Bag:” A Love Story.
My Father’s “Death Bag:” A Love Story.
It is a very simple black nylon bag. Some might call it a gym bag. But it's a lot more than that. Many years ago I was having discussions with my parents about essential estate planning, updates and things like that, that would be for their benefit. Not surprisingly, this was a difficult conversation to have with my parents even though I was an experienced estate planning attorney at the time.
My father made a point of telling me that if anything ever happened to them, or to him in particular, that he had his “death bag.” And he told me where it was and he showed it to me and showed me the important things that were in there, his military discharge papers from World War II, life insurance policies, bank and tax records, and other important things.
So I kind of jokingly suggested, why don't you call it the important papers bag. He goes, "Oh no it's my death bag." So it became sort of a family joke, Dad’s death bag. Well as time marched on, and my father became ill he reminded again about the death bag.
And I reassured him that I knew about it and had actually already gone and went through it and made sure I understood what was there while he was still alive. And he was grateful for that as it gave him comfort that he had prepared for this possibility and that I was there to take care of things and help my mother out. This month marked the 15th anniversary of my father’s death. In thinking about this passage of time, I thought again about the death bag, which I still have as a cherished possession. The picture accompanying this article is the actual death bag.
My mother is gone now as well, but I keep the death bag as a reminder of the importance of preparing. But more than that, about the importance of notifying your loved ones that you have made preparations and have given them the tools they need to take care of things for you, not the least of which is letting them know what you have and where things are. All of this can help your loved ones be able to help you when you need that help. And I've taken that to heart in my legal and financial planning practices. I have incorporated this concept of a “death bag” as a key part of what I like to call “Peace of Mind Planning.”
While I don’t practice law in Delaware, and only provide financial planning and tax advisory services to my clients here, those are still critical elements of a robust Peace of Mind Plan along with the important legal documents in your estate plan. As I learned in my own uncomfortable conversation with my parents about disease, disability, and death, not having those conversations is even worse. Get past the awkwardness, find tools like the death bag to be able to have a tangible item to focus on, or even joke about, and your will be in a better position as a family to be able to handle what life throws your way. As I regularly tell my clients, your legal and financial readiness is not about you, or at least it's not just about you, it's about your family. It's about your loved ones. About those left behind. Those who have to pick up the pieces when something happens to you.
And the more you can do to prepare them for that, the better they will be able to do those things that need to get done. And perhaps as importantly, if not more importantly, not be worrying about those other things at a time when the focus should be on the family and emotional support, and dealing with the illness, injury or death of someone they love. Peace of Mind Planning covers all of that.
And the key part of the Peace of Mind Plan is the preparation aspect of it. Now I'm not advocating that everyone needs to get their own black nylon gym bag, fill it up with stuff and call it a death bag. That's certainly a choice. But there are also on-line options for you, or a simple thing like a form, or a packet that I provide my clients called the Peace of Mind Plan Roadmap. It's an organizer document that provides a one stop location for you to list key information, key instructions, account numbers, passwords, who to contact if certain things happen, where insurance policies are, where your money is, where your legal documents are. This can be an amazing time saver and anxiety reliever at a time of great family distress.
This is one additional benefit of the Peace of Mind Plan Roadmap Organizer as it gives you the opportunity to review what you have, where it is, how it is titled, etc., and that will help you ensure that you match that up to your legal plan documents. And that is something that Safe Harbor Financial Advisors can help you with on an hourly or project fee basis.
You can request your own complimentary Roadmap Organizer by emailing me at Info@SafeHarborFinancialAdvisors.com, or using the contact me feature at www.SafeHarbor.financial, or simply by calling and leaving me a message at 302-313-6644. Just put Roadmap Organizer in the subject line or in the message, and let me know your email address so you can get the full benefit of the Organizer’s fillable PDF features. If you prefer to use a hard copy of the Organizer I can provide that as well if you include your mailing address.
On the 15th anniversary of my father’s death, I wanted to honor this humble man -- a Ph.D. college professor for his entire career after earning 3 Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star in the Battle of the Bulge, which I only learned the full story of after his death – because he inspired me to get the word out on the importance of something like his death bag. Why is this a love story? Because in doing what he did, my father made it easier for us. He made it easier for us to focus on what was important, his comfort, the care of my mother, and planning for a celebration of a life well-lived. He made it easier on all of us so we did not have the distractions of what I now refer to as the “Treasure Hunt.” The unanswered questions such as “where is everything?” “Who do we have to talk to?” “I don't understand what's going on.” And “I can't find this.”
The death bag, this simple black nylon bag, was his final act of love for us to help us through a difficult time. And I am forever grateful for that bag. And it is one reason I keep it to this day.
So I encourage you to get your own death bag, whether it's a virtual one, or an actual bag. And fill it up with the important things. Use our Peace of Mind Plan Roadmap Organizer as a guide to what should be in there. And don't keep it a secret. Don’t force your loved ones into an unfortunate “treasure hunt.”
