Delaware Hospice support groups help bereaved find comfort
Those who need support groups the most are often the least likely to seek them out. This is true for many self-help groups and certainly true for grief support groups.
Individuals suddenly coping with the loss of a loved one may not consider themselves as someone “who does groups very well.” They may believe they can manage their own life, or that their friends and family are sufficient support.
Others realize they are not coping very well and need more help than their friends and family can give them. Many have found that help through participation in a grief support group.
Gail Kersey of Frankford spent 18 months caring for her mother, who had congestive heart failure. In the last few weeks of her life, she also developed cancer. Gail said, “She went very quickly. I was used to taking care of her every day, and then, suddenly, she was gone. After all the medical equipment had been returned and the sympathy cards were done, I went into despair with the realization that she wasn’t coming back. Almost suicidal, I was desperate. My mother was gone. I received individual counseling, but my counselor recommended that I attend one of Delaware Hospice’s support groups where I would be surrounded by others who were going through similar circumstances. My group helped bring me back to a level of sanity so that I could actually mourn properly.
“In our group we had eight women, and it has evolved into a kind of sorority. I remember the last Tuesday of our group meeting how we all felt that we didn’t know what we would do without each other. Now we continue to get together monthly, exchange cards and call each other with any news. We have bonded through the shared experience of losing someone who’s been an important part of our lives.”
Carol Dobson, bereavement counselor for Delaware Hospice, explains, “We reach out to family members and invite them to get involved in our bereavement activities, which may be simply a phone call to check in with them, individual home or office visits, a workshop or a group.
“Our support groups are safe places for expressing thoughts and feelings so that grieving people can learn about themselves with others. Being heard with genuine interest is healing for everyone. Whenever anyone gets choked up, kindness and support is offered. No one ever needs to apologize for getting upset. We allow each other the space to be what they need to be. Sometimes a person will talk more one week and the others give them space to do that. This way, people learn from talking and listening. Some people are less talkative and they are just as welcome as the more talkative ones.
“This way of being together creates a sympathetic interest in each other’s well-being as well as for oneself. Kindness helps to provide the safety people need to examine their reactions and make choices for how to understand and cope with their grief. Educational materials are provided about the grieving process, grief responses, coping techniques, preparing for special days and holidays, and how to handle difficult situations that may arise when others ask ‘How are you doing?’ All in all, a grief support group is a very unique way to find healing and comfort with others.”
Sharon Dean of Dover said, “Listening to and feeling the grief and problems of others helped to soften mine. We had homework assignments that we would come back and share. It seemed to lift a lot of sorrow to hear other people’s problems.”
Betty Gillette of Milford said, “At our group, we found the men needed to be taken by the hand and helped, and we too have formed a bond. I wouldn’t hesitate to call any one of them to ask for help. We just had a picnic on the beach, went to a museum and had an outing to a church. We exchange birthday cards, and we have plans to do other things together, although the group has officially ended.”
Betty’s husband of 45 years suffered a stroke 25 years ago. She was his caregiver for 25 years, before he died suddenly from congestive heart failure. She said, “It’s very hard when you lose your best friend, and I miss him tremendously. My family and my church are very supportive, but unless you’ve been through it, you just don’t understand things, like the loneliness. At our support group, no matter what we talked about, we all had experiences that helped us share and support each other.”
Elizabeth Lackus is a therapist from Milton, who lost her husband. She said, “This has been a learning experience for me. I became aware of how uncomfortable my friends were. They wanted to be helpful, but didn’t know what to say. I could communicate better with members of my support group. There’s something magical about expressing something out loud and finding someone else who relates, who has had the same horrendous week or has experienced the same triggers. It normalizes our grief and keeps us from spiraling down even further. Being in the support group helped me move through the difficult stages of grief and work through the anger that had kept me at a standstill.”
There is no time limit for anyone interested in a grief support group. Once a year has passed, a person may then feel like a group would be helpful. Some people join a group within three to six months after losing a loved one. Gail said, “I’m considering another group because my mother’s birthday is coming up and I find myself becoming depressed about that more than I should be.”
Carol said, “The common threads of all our bereavement activities are hope and healing. Learning ways to help yourself through the grief is what we offer while trusting in hope to carry you through. Emily Dickinson said, ‘Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all.’ At Delaware Hospice we want to help people find comfort and strength as they make their way through the grieving process. Groups have a very special way of helping, and so we sponsor them throughout Sussex County all year long.”
Call Delaware Hospice at 856-7717 or visit delawarehospice.org/calendar to learn more about bereavement activities available to members of the community.
