Those crazy ups and downs you have with your significant other; the fights that bring police to your door, the PFA’s from the courts, and even DYFS investigating your children, have a root cause very far from the narrative you have in your head.
You believe it’s a love/hate relationship; but it’s not, it’s a powerful drug addiction!
HOW CAN WE KNOW?
Here’s the definition of Love as described by it’s creator; you’ll often hear it recited during a wedding ceremony:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Does your toxic relationship meet even one single condition of this very definition of love?
FULL STOP! Read that again. Does your toxic relationship meet even one single condition of this very definition of love?
BUT I FEEL. . .
Love is a spiritual thing. Your spirit (or soul) connects with another’s, and the language of our spirit is our emotions.
Difficulties arise because men don’t understand this language, so they avoid their emotions — while women live in them.
It follows that women want to talk about them, while men ... would rather stick a fork in their eye.
Men can’t admit, or simply can’t handle most negative emotions — they often quickly turn into anger, causing either outbursts or withdrawal. For women, feelings need to be addressed; and whether the experience was five minutes earlier or five years prior makes no difference. If they’ve brought it to mind, the emotions are just as strong and present as they originally were. A man’s failure to understand and address her emotions leads her to anger as well. Not a good combination.
Yet, Anger Is not a "Primary Emotion;" Anger is secondary to a primary emotion.
A child loses a ball that rolls into a street. He chases it without looking and a car comes to a screeching halt just a few feet away.
Mom runs out and picks him up, hugs him tightly — overwhelmed with relief — then pulls him aside and starts spanking his tush.
“How many times have I told you not to run in the street?!"
The primary emotion was fear. Anger was secondary. Other primary negative emotions are shame, hurt, powerlessness, anxiety, and guilt. If you’re a man, you’re not even aware this is why you’re angry; And if you’re a woman, this is so obvious that you can’t even believe your man isn’t aware of it! All couples start off with long-term odds stacked against them—and we haven’t even touched on the chemistry yet!
THE CHEMISTRY OF EMOTION
Emotionally:
- Love, hope, and safety are slow, regulated signals
- Drugs and chaos deliver fast, exaggerated ones
Biologically:
- The brain can’t tell the difference between real connection and chemical shortcuts
- It only learns which button works fastest
That’s the chemistry behind addiction, trauma bonds, and emotional dependency— not moral failure, but neurobiology being exploited. Your relationship conflict floods the system, and your reconciliation produces a chemical drop that feels like relief — a relief the brain remembers and begins to chase. It’s called "Intermittent Reinforcement,” and it’s a highly addictive loop
Your relationship isn’t giving you steady connection. It’s giving you intermittent reinforcement — 1. A remembered emotional high that releases oxytocin. 2. Followed by withdrawal… chaos… and reunion. This is the most addictive behavioral pattern the human brain knows.
You are not addicted to the person, but to the chemical relief when the pain stops. You might want to read that again. You are not addicted to the person, but to the chemical relief when the pain stops. Truly understanding this is the beginning of healing!
THE CHEMISTRY OF ADDICTION
How substances hijack the system
Opioids
- Artificially trigger comfort, attachment, and pain relief
- Mimic deep safety and connection → “everything is okay now”
- Shut down natural opioid and oxytocin systems over time
Amphetamines
- Flood dopamine and norepinephrine
- Create focus, confidence, motivation, and urgency
- Eventually burn out dopamine receptors, leading to emptiness and depression
Alcohol
- Boosts GABA and suppresses glutamate
- Creates calm, disinhibition, emotional numbing
- Repeated use reduces natural GABA, increasing anxiety when sober
GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid)
- The brain’s primary braking system
- Calms neural firing and quiets anxiety
- Signals “You’re safe—stand down”
- Low GABA = racing thoughts, tension, insomnia, panic
- Without enough GABA, adrenaline and cortisol run unchecked
Serotonin
- Regulates baseline mood, stability, and self-worth
- Signals “I am okay, I belong, this is enough”
- Drops with loss, rejection, rumination, and chronic stress
- Low serotonin = irritability, obsession, emotional fragility
- It’s less about excitement and more about emotional safety and steadiness
We’ve established that your relationship no longer meets even one single standard of love. It certainly isn’t acting like love at all. It’s acting exactly like a heroin addiction, alcoholism, cocaine and any other substance enslavement. You try to stay away, but withdrawals are awful. Maybe you can just text, or just say hello; just like you can snort just one line of coke. Fooled again.
Your toxic relationship is the very same. You think you’re still seeking the high, but It's not the high you're addicted to, it’s the relief from the misery; and just like any drug or alcohol, eventually you’re doing it, just to not be sick!
BREAKING ADDICTIONS
You break this addiction the same way you break any addiction. You stop exposure and interrupt the cycle.You allow your nervous system to stabilize. You learn the emotional language you were never taught. There is no tapering with heroin. There is no tapering with toxic attachment. Contact with each other is relapse. “Just checking in,” sex, and drama are relapse. Distance isn’t punishment; It’s medicine.
When You Return From Rehab
When you return from rehab, you’ve started your own healing journey, but you’ve left a lot of damage in your wake. Returning directly to your significant other is a recipe for disaster. As a man, you’re able to put the past where it belongs — but time alone does not repair emotional injury, especially for a woman who by design has instant emotional recall. Until you learn your own emotional language, you won’t be able have ANY understanding at all!
Discovering the Mind of a Woman by my friend and mentor Ken Nair, is an excellent place to begin that journey.
TRANSITION, NOT REUNION
Just as someone leaving inpatient rehab doesn’t return to the old neighborhood, someone leaving a toxic relationship cannot return to the same emotional environment. You need structure, space, accountability, and support. If you know someone who needs to learn all this, please share this article!
Christian Grace Sober Living offers transitional housing in Georgetown and Rehoboth Beach, DE for your re-entry from addiction, chaos, and emotional collapse. Not just sobriety from substances — but sobriety from destructive patterns. A place to rebuild your life before rebuilding relationships. If you’re ready to break the cycle or know somebody who is, call now! (302) 500-3881
