Santa, I don’t want these Christmas gifts

Dear Santa,

Thanks again for holding back on giving me Christmas golf presents I didn’t want last year. I really appreciate it.

You would think that by now folks would understand my attitude about hundreds of misguided golf-related gifts for the holidays, because I have written you letters just like this one since 2001.

Some still don’t get the hints.

I must tell you, there remain some items out there this season that do not fill me with excited anticipation of receiving them.

Leading the way this year are beer bottle golf tees, sold through etsy.com in a set of six for $15. The ad copy says these plastic bottle-shaped tees featuring clever but fake brand labels are virtually unbreakable. That’s a shame, because as we know from countless action movies, TV shows and accidents at home, real beer bottles are extremely breakable. I would like these tees to be more realistic so in case anyone gave them to me I could lose them as quickly as possible.

I am all for recycling, but when it comes to the Adirondack golf chairs sold by coloradoskichairs.com, I am willing to make an exception. The chair backs are made with recovered golf irons, while the seat planks come from old skis. Douglas fir and mahogany make up the frames for the chairs and the optional foot stools, which use the grip ends of even more old golf clubs.

If you had a particularly good round, you might enjoy sitting in something that looks a little bit like the Iron Throne from “Game of Thrones.” But I doubt it, especially when these chairs sell for almost $800 when you add in the footstool.

I was initially intrigued by the Birdie Juice liquor flask sold on esty.com for $12.29. The container’s 6-ounce capacity sounded like plenty for a round with like-minded friends, even for those who drink Fireball whiskey or that new Skrewball peanut butter stuff. What made me interested was the ad copy, which claimed the flask’s cover was made with a “vegan leatherette” fabric. That sounded awesome until I discovered this did not mean they were made with actual vegans. This was disappointing.

The golf ball cigar holder, sold through etsy.com for $14.99, also held no appeal for me, considering that it’s been years since I lit up a stogie of any kind. However, I liked the fact the marketers noted that the product “ships from New Jersey.” That made perfect sense if you have ever played golf in the Garden State.

Speaking of recycling, I was equally unimpressed with the golf club clock sold at etsy.com for $85. A selection of five old metal drivers and four retired iron heads surrounds the clock face. 

In addition, etsy.com offers a golf iron hat rack for $99, using four iron heads on a 2-foot-long plank. The ad copy also assures potential customers there is plenty of epoxy glue stuck on the back to protect walls from potential damage. As with similar items seen previously, this means there are still too many old golf clubs and too many folks with an underutilized spot welder or hacksaw.

On the fashion front, I continue to refuse to wear golf-themed socks such as those sold at etsy.com for $11 per pair. The text is printed over the white cotton fabric in a single color for the men’s version. The ladies’ models use the iconic Lilly Pulitzer pink and green theme, but the comparison stops right there otherwise. The socks’ message reads, “My spare pair in case I get a hole in one.” That is a real groaner, and I say this as a true fan of good puns. Just no, thank you.

The last item on my list for this year could be something I want, but only if it is made correctly. The personalized “If Found” golf balls are sold in sets of three for $15.99 at etsy.com. The message reads “If Found, Please Hit Better Than [provide name here].” 

If I could have these printed with my usual playing partners’ names instead of my own, that could be fun. Otherwise, no thanks.

Thanks again for the opportunity to tell you what I don’t want for Christmas. Have a great holiday, and please say hello to Mrs. Claus and the elves.

Yours truly,

Fritz

P.S.: Santa, in next week’s column I will discuss the many good holiday golf gift-giving options there are to be found at Cape Region golf courses and other golf-related establishments. 

You might want to check that out.