Santa, please don’t give me this stuff

December 6, 2019

Dear Santa: 

I truly appreciate all you have done for so many years to make sure I am rarely, if ever, the recipient of some of the truly dodgy golf gifts out there. 

That said, it remains surprising how much more stuff I would never want keeps entering the Christmas golf gift marketplace. That is why I am writing you again this year.

For example, I have no need for the 9-inch tall, hand-painted Great Golfing Gnome, available through for a startling $33.89. 

The advertising copy says the hand painting is done with “wonderfully lifelike details,” which itself is pretty amazing when you think about all the times you see real, live gnomes mucking about. 

Some folks obviously love garden gnomes, as anyone who visits England will readily agree. However, I am not in that group, thankewverymuch.

I would also be very pleased if you made sure I never received the Hole In One Golf Hat, sold by the folks at for $5.95 each. 

The company’s website suggests, “The golf enthusiast will love to wear this Hole in One beret.” No, he won’t. In fact, he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it.

Millions of people love the little yellow Minion characters from the Despicable Me movie series, and I count myself among them.

Nonetheless, I do not want a Custom Made Minions fairway wood head cover, featuring the Stuart Minion, available on eBay for $35.95 plus $14 shipping cost.

I appreciate the fact that Stuart can keep his eye on my ball, but still.

There are also two very different golf mugs I would rather not receive. 

The first has no direct bearing on me since it is aimed at golfers who have girlfriends, not wives, but I have seen the wife version that does the same thing.

This $13.49 Etsy offering says in large print, “I Love” and “My Girlfriend.” In much smaller print the line “it when” appears between those two larger font displays, with the last small print line at the bottom saying “lets me go play golf.”

What do they mean by lets? How doomed is a relationship if one partner must seek permission from the other to engage in a healthy outdoor sporting activity?

I much prefer the graceful acknowledgement of varying interests, instead.

The other mug is frankly political, which makes gift-giving a potential challenge in the current climate. Also sold through Etsy, it features a well-done caricature of President Trump with a probably fake but accurate quote that includes these lines: “You’re the best golfer. Very special. You’re yuge. You really are. Believe me.” 

Even at $11.86, it’s not my cup of tea.

You would also make my Christmas special if I was not given a pair of novelty golf socks, sold through for $3.46 plus $1.55 shipping. 

The bottom of one sock says, “Shhh!” The bottom of the other sock says, “I’m watching golf.”

Under other circumstances I might be okay with this gift, but there’s a problem. I already have a similar pair of socks for when my feet are propped up on an ottoman. That pair asks folks to be quiet while I watch Hallmark movies.

No need for a second set, it seems to me. 

The last item on this year’s list reflects an attitude that I do not share. Sold through Etsy, these Personalized Blue Pencils with Eraser sell for $8.95 for six or $13.95 for 12, which is pretty steep. However, my primary objection is the imprinted statement shown on the display model: “It’s only cheating if you get caught.” 

Just no. It’s still cheating, regardless.

Thanks again for the opportunity to tell you what I don’t want for Christmas. Have a great holiday, and say hello to the elves and Mrs. Claus for me.

Yours truly,


Brockstedt’s first ace

Congratulations to Sawyer Brockstedt of Rehoboth Beach for her first-ever hole in one, made Nov. 21 at Kings Creek Country Club. It was also the first ace on the club’s 99-yard par 3 19th hole, normally a part of Kings Creek’s short game complex but currently in official use while another hole is renovated.

The Sussex Academy 13-year-old used a new 50-degree wedge for her shot at glory, which was witnessed by Rick McCall Jr., her coach. They also sped around the course to finish the round before dark and make her ace official. McCall said, “It was one of the highlights of my golfing career to be part of Sawyer’s first hole in one.”

  • Fritz Schranck has been writing about the Cape Region's golf community since 1999. Snippets, stories and anecdotes from his columns are included in his new book, "Hole By Hole: Golf Stories from Delaware's Cape Region and Beyond," which is available at the Cape Gazette offices, Browseabout Books in Rehoboth Beach, Biblion Books in Lewes, and local golf courses. His columns and book reviews are available at

    Contact Fritz by emailing

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