Click Bait

The classic “gotta read it” headline immortalized in journalism classes was an old NYC tabloid one: “Headless Body Found in Topless Bar.” Now I ask you, aren’t you the least bit curious? Even though I’m revolted by my morbid interest, I confess I often read on when I encounter a boffo header. And, with the internet, click bait come-ons are everywhere; for example, email subject lines like one from a religious magazine that landed in my inbox this morning: “Is your smartphone causing you to sin more?”( Hmmm, maybe…only if “sinning” involves “cursing at my smartphone when the battery dies”).

Then there are those devilish online “rabbit hole” posts. You know the ones: there’s a picture of an actor you know can’t possibly be more than 50 years old, with the caption “At age 100, she’s still with her partner!” and then I begin clicking compulsively through 75 photos to get the juicy details, at the end of which I have totally forgotten the name of the 50/100 year old movie star I’m seeking an update about. And by then it’s 6 PM and I haven’t started dinner. 

I was thinking the other day—wouldn’t adding click bait headlines to my life spice things up? There are days when I’m hard pressed to imagine anyone more boring (boring-er?) than me, with my mind-numbing daily routines. But if I wrote about myself (which, if you’ve read even one of the past 472 posts, you realize is what I basically do) and then added a dash of intrigue, maybe I’d be able to imagine that I am, in fact, a creature of romance and mystery (or at least, that I’m not the most boring –boring-est—person I know).

So here are a few TRUE incidents from this past week, along with suggested headlines:

Terror on the Beach! Shark Bites Swimmer in Ocean City! Only 40 Miles from where Elise Stands with Her Toes in the Water! 

Frantic Treasure Hunt! House Key Mysteriously Disappears! Stolen by a Wily Thief? Or Left in the Glove Compartment of Car? Read On and Find Out!

She Was the Oldest Rehoboth Summer Children’s Theatre Cinderella Ever, and She’s Still with Her Prince Charming! You’d Better Sit Down Before You Check Out THIS Amazing Photo!

Tragic Missed Connection! Wi-Fi Woes Doom Long Distance Call with Long Distance Son! Will He Ever Contact Her Again?

Negligent Grandparents “On Duty” when Tiny Lego Disappears Up Little Grandson’s Nostril! ER Averted When Pa Turns Him Upside Down?

Nightmare On Highway One! Heavy Traffic on Friday Summer Afternoon Shocks Beach-Bound Driver! How Can This Possibly Be, Elise Wonders?? 

Walked an Hour Without Her Fitbit! Why Is She Convinced It Doesn’t Count? Exercise Experts Weigh In!

I think I’m on to something here, folks. Now all I need is to add a soundtrack to my life and it’s a whole new ball game.

What should my theme song be?  “I Will Survive?” “Mairzy Doats?” “Crazy?” Cast your votes and let’s make this happen!