Memory Palace

This week marks the 20^th anniversary of my first manic episode (that I can identify as such). Just as my mind can often recall specific moments of trauma perfectly, so it can bring back the time surrounding them (no idea how that works). 

For instance, I recall exactly which book on my bookshelf I was looking at when the 1981 phone call came that my sister Mo had died in a car accident. But I also remember everything I did the day BEFORE, including buying a pair of shoes at a store in Suburban Square, Ardmore, PA, and what I'd cooked for dinner (baked chicken breasts with herbed breadcrumbs). Obviously, I had no idea that tragedy was in the immediate future. Weird, right? 

And 11 years earlier, I was in Atlanta when I heard my beloved  Nana Cunningham had passed away in New York;  I played a recording of “Evening Prayer” from Hansel and Gretel (Nana, a wonderful pianist, often played a transcription of this). I also remember that my high school had just, the previous day, OK’d the wearing of pants (not blue jeans) to school for girls. 

Same is true of this strange, sad anniversary. The day in late August, 2005 that I became manic, we were at our summer rental house in Lewes, DE, and suddenly I was talking a mile a minute and feeling a rush of wild excitement (over absolutely nothing, by the way). But I also remember the day BEFORE, taking my mom for a haircut at a Hair Cuttery in a nearby shopping center—what I was wearing, the weather, everything. 

It would take a solid year of mental illness and eventual treatment, for me to begin to see daylight. I do NOT remember the moment I first felt better, however. It’s as if the brain is wired to bring back sorrow, much more readily than joy. 

Not to say I have forgotten my wedding day, or the births of my children--I haven’t--but those memories lack the crystal clarity of breaking my arm (onstage, during a performance of The Wizard of Oz in South Jersey), and every second of my (mercifully brief) encounter with an intruder in my family room when I was a teenager. 

There is a very old method of improving memory that dates back to the ancient Greeks, and is popular again. Nowadays, it’s known as The Memory Palace, and it involves connecting specific locations to what you want to remember. Need apples and aluminum foil at the grocery store? Picture apples dancing along your kitchen counter, and foil-covered telephone poles as you drive to the market. 

I find the concept intriguing, and wonder if it could be used to strengthen happy memories, and weaken bad ones. I don’t want to erase the tough times, because I want to experience all of life. But I’d love to look at the dust jacket of The Thorn Birds, or hear “Evening Prayer,” without painful flashbacks. 

Bring on the dancing apples, please.