Fractured but NOT broken ! 

Fractured but NOT broken! 

So, I Had My Second Hip Replacement Two Days After My 51st Birthday.  I was so excited - what a perfect birthday gift for myself. I couldn’t wait to finally be fixed and to live without pain, It felt so close to being a reality.

My first hip replacement, back in June, was a piece of cake. The doctors called my recovery “remarkable.” I had surgery on a Tuesday and was at a beach bonfire by Friday. 

At 3 weeks post op my physical therapist said, “If I didn't know better I would think you were 6 months post op - not 3 weeks.” I was thrilled -  such an overachiever! 

Let’s just say my second hip replacement was… not that.

When I woke up from surgery, still groggy from anesthesia, my husband leaned over and said, “They fractured your femur during surgery.”

HUH?! Is that even a thing? Apparently, it is.

I was sent home that same day, with my fractured femur. The pain was intense, and I wasn’t allowed to put my foot down. I was miserable. This was not what I signed up for. My recovery time instantly doubled, and I was told to take it easy. Really, really easy.

So there I was - no walking, no driving, no moving around. Stuck. I was determined to follow the doctor’s orders because I wasn’t about to make this recovery one minute longer than it had to be.

I think I watched every show and movie on every streaming platform. I’d finish a whole series in a day. I felt gross. I’m not one to sit still; it’s both one of my best and worst traits. The only way I can truly meditate is by doing a walking meditation (always moving!) 

Time, to me, is the most valuable commodity. I hate wasting it so this felt like torture. 

The weather was perfection, and I was missing all the fun fall festivals. Valeria said, “Why don’t you at least sit on your porch?”

Fine, whatever.

So I did. And it turned out to be pretty magical. The breeze, the colors, the quiet - it all felt different somehow. I decided right then that I’d use this downtime to finally start writing my book, right there on that porch.

I’ve started and stopped writing so many times. Every time I start, it’s too difficult and too painful to revisit certain parts of my past. I get overwhelmed by the trauma of what I’ve been through and the shame of some of the choices I’ve made.

So I stop.

I’ve always been great at compartmentalizing painful things, locking them away like they never happened and moving on. I used to see that as a strength. I’d tell myself I’m so resilient. Onward and upward - don’t look back, you’re not going that way!

But when I started writing this time, something shifted. The emotions hit hard. I found myself thinking about things I hadn’t thought about in years. Then I realized, I’m not as “healed” as I thought. I can block it out, sure, but the body keeps the receipts. Maybe that’s why I’ve carried so much physical pain all these years. Maybe that’s why I had breast cancer with no family history. 

At one point while, I was shaking, nauseous, and ready to quit. “Why am I doing this to myself?” I thought.

But I kept going. I wrote all day, all night, and into the next morning. I couldn’t stop.

And the more I wrote, the stronger I felt. I started to see my past differently, with compassion. I had empathy for that wild, out-of-control girl. 

I thought back to my early producer days,the scrappy girl from Queens who fought her way up, who battled her demons and kept pushing forward.

Writing has made me feel lighter. It’s been cathartic and healing in ways I really  didn’t expect. I’ve realized I wasn’t just “not dwelling” in my past, I was avoiding it and that is clearly not healthy. I feel like a trap door in my brain has been opened and I’m not scared to walk through it. 

I’m going to keep writing, confronting both the trauma done to me and the trauma I’ve caused. I’ve spent my life running so fast, staying busy, trying to outrun the memories. But maybe slowing down is exactly what I needed. (I guess I had to literally fracture my femur to slow down!) 

I will finish this book. And then… we’ll see if I have the balls to publish it.

Because let’s be honest - it’s definitely juicy. 😉