Dogs know the secrets of holiday survival

Whew! At our age, it is matter of survival; one holiday is down and we can trudge on to the next holiday, Christmas for some of us and personal celebrations for others.

In between these two major events, we can go back to writing cards, the classic office party and looking forward to hours of attempting to open gifts we’ve received which are encased in plastic. If you thought those pesky little packing peanuts were annoying, you haven’t tried to pry open a package of insoles.

This plastic has the consistency of a type of cement that is mainly used by the Mafia for stuff like cement shoes. People have used their teeth, often requiring tooth implants the following week; they’ve used scissors, stabbing over and over again like the shower scene in the movie “Psycho,” and finally they have taken axes to a package containing two AAA batteries.

I recently found out that the secret to opening these difficult plastic containers is to just give them to the dog. Any animal can shred this stuff open in a matter of seconds. In fact, the only way I could get from the car to the back door on a visit in past holidays was to throw the granddogs two plastic water bottles. They pounced on them like a found winning lottery ticket. Once their attention was diverted, I made a break for it. You only have a few seconds to act, since the average attention span of this particular Golden Retriever and Black Lab is 45 seconds.

It’s not that these dogs are dangerous, it’s just they greet you as if you have just come back from a deployment to Iraq and they haven’t seen you in over a year. They come running like thousands of fleeing Japanese in a Godzilla movie, then stop, remember why they are running, realize you are there and proceed to throw their arms around you, sobbing and carrying on as if they have just been paroled to a halfway house.

We know that animals are a big part of our lives, especially during the holidays, when clothing for dogs and cats has become a billion-dollar business. We care about them, and more importantly, we want their approval.

I took the granddogs on a walk in the park last year while I was visiting. The sun had just descended behind the trees and the path was dim with a nice dusky glow. Yet I found myself wondering why I was leading two enormous dogs with reindeer tiaras on their heads. I really couldn’t comment on them, since we passed a car on the way over with reindeer antlers sticking out from the side windows. I guess what’s good for the goose is good for the gander; I have no idea what that means either. But dogs don’t really care what you think of their attire. As long as there is a scent in the air, you could put them in an apron and chef’s hat, it wouldn’t matter.

On many an occasion, I’ve turned my back and found wrappers from cookies, butter sticks, bread, birth control pills and the occasional Christmas gift on the floor. As long as it will fit in their mouths, it’s fair game. They figure after you’ve let them in and out of the sliding patio door for the hundredth time, you won’t care either.

And if you catch them in the act, eating an eye of round cut of roast that you’ve just paid ten dollars a pound for, the dog will get that expression on his face that says, “What? Are you looking at me?”

No, we have to have animals during the holidays; they are great fun for families and comfort for those alone. They can open all the packages for you, since your hands will still be curled into a ball after they are pried loose from the steering wheel of your car that you’ve been clutching while circling the last month looking for a parking space.

And remember that dogs celebrate New Year’s Eve too. You’ll probably wake up from that night-before office party wrapped around one. So keep those critters warm and safe; they’ll get you through the night.